A New heart...

This November I am just taking the time to reflect on the many things I am grateful for and one that pretty much was the beginning of change was asking the Lord to create in me a new heart.  I was one not known for love or caring or compassion or even empathy.  In fact I was so cold that I hated watching romantic movies and love songs.  I wasn't evil I was.....just selfish.  I affected and tormented many people with my attitude and anger in my heart.  I did not accept responsibility for anything.

It took two failed marriages for me to say enough is enough.  It took that last one for me to go downstairs in the basement alone in the room and get on my knees on that hard concrete floor and bow to my Lord.  It took getting as low as I possibly could to the ground and beg my Lord to change me.  I wanted no part of my old heart.  I didn't want to be angry any more; I didn't want to hate any more; I didn't want to hurt people any more.  I was tired of ruining every single thing and person I came in contact with.

I knew I could not do this on my own.  I knew that after 34 years of anger in my heart there was no way I would want the Lord to keep that heart inside of me anymore.  My knees hurt from the concrete, tears filled my eyes.  I was losing my wife and marriage and I said to the Lord "I AM DONE".  I told him I have had enough with being the way I was and it was time to start anew.  I told the Lord to create in me a new heart (just like Psalms 51 states).  I said blot out my trangressions and forgive me for my years of selfishness and anger.  Anything that is not of you Lord remove it from inside me.

I unloaded it all right there.  I have been in jail, anger management classes, court and nothing has helped me.  Nothing has changed me completely but God's grace and mercy.  That night I literally myself gasp for air and it was like the Lord himself took the old heart out of me and put in the new one.  That is the only way I can explain the experience i had.  I felt my change instantly.  I was done being angry and spiteful.  I was done treating my wife like she was not the most important person to me.  I was done treating my family like they were not my first priority.  Even though I still lost it all I gained so much more.

Because of his grace and mercy upon me I now love more and hate less.  I am slower to wrath and quicker to love.  I am more forgiving and more compassionate.  For me this was instantaneous.  I had made up in my mind I am done and I just trusted the Lord to equip me with the rest.  I have been made known by the Spirit that I have the gift of Exhortation....Me.....one who was selfish and angry and spiteful has the spiritual gift of building up others.   You see that's just the God I serve.  He made sure that anyone that Knew the old me knows that it is NOTHING but the Love of Christ alone that has saved me and gave me this new heart.  Those that know the old me know exactly what i am talking about.  I can't thank God enough for his love and mercy upon this wretched vessel.

Even my kids mother knows the difference and mind you I was hating her for 7 years after our divorce.  I wanted her wiped from existence.  I went to her this year and told her I forgive you and I pray you forgive me.  I accept my failure as a husband and a father and I will do better for my kids.  I have seen my children more times this year than I have in the last 7.  You can't tell me there is no God, because it is through him I am still standing and changed.  I spent 7 fun filled hours with my kids today alone and it was awesome.  To hear my kids say I love you daddy...even after abandoning them brings tears to my eyes...Because it's God's mercy on me that I get to stand there and hear them say that to me.  God said even though you deserve to never see your kids again I will give you another chance.  I took it and ran with it and never looked back.

Like I told someone before...you never know you got a new heart from the Lord till you use it.  And everytime something or someone touches my heart I just go into instant cry baby mode and begin thanking God.  Because it was him that gave me this heart.  It was him alone that changed me.  He did it, not me.  I love helping others become stronger in Christ and tapping into the love of his Spirit and letting him change them from the inside out.  It is glorious and free of charge.  All you have to do is say Yes to him.  Just say yes and let him do the same to you.

My sisters who were ashamed to even call me their brother now say that they love the "New Drae".  This is what they call me now and I am proud to be such to them.  All praises go right back up to the father and him alone.  I love my family and they know I love them.  I had to make a choice and I chose the love of Christ to dwell in me instead of the anger and selfishness that plagued me for years.

So I am thankful for a new heart.....and I will take good care of this new heart....