Why should I?

Why should I care? Why should I continue to try and live holy when it just seems way to hard?  Why believe in a God who allows you to go through some of the most excruciating pains you can encounter?  How am I supposed to walk in faith when my faith is weaker than the pains I see before me?

This is my second attempt at writing this particular post.  The first time I deleted it because I thought maybe I was being too personal.  I thought no one really needs to know that much about me.  then the doubt started creeping in.  Why am I even blogging in the first place?  You put this on my heart to do and I am trying to do it, but I am no writer; not even close.  So why am I continuing this when I got a slew of other problems plaguing my life.  I am in a position that I tried to not be in.  I mean look at it from my point of view if you please.

I have went through a painful divorce, I lost my apartment and two days later I lost my job, my car breaks down, I don't get the job I was hoping for.  I have undergone so many character changes this year it's ridiculous.  Trying to hold to my integrity and my belief in the bible has not been remotely close to easy.  My desire to live sinless has been my determination.  To not fall back into my addiction to lying, pornography or selfishness is a daily struggle.  I fight against what I used to do in private never resurfacing.  Some battles I lose, some I win.

I try remembering God's promises always when I feel depressed.  At times I am in prayer and I am asking "Lord how do I preach hope when I have a hard time seeing it myself?"  "How am I supposed to encourage others to push forward and trust you when my own trust in you seems like it's fading at times?"  And every time I ask these questions his Spirit reminds me with this scripture that keeps popping up in my mind...

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God that goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you.

I am always praying Lord never let me be like the children of Israel.  Every time the Lord freed them or protected them, they would forget and go right to complaining all over again.  God freed them from Egypt; they complained.  God showed them the land of Canaan flowing with milk and honey; and they were fearful and complained.  Time after time after time the Lord continued to show love and mercy on those who would not show love back to him.  I don't want to be that type of servant.

I spoke to a good minister friend of mine who told me simply " You keep being a good soldier for the Lord; enjoy it when its well because without no test there is no testimony."  As simple as that.  This whole year has been one big test.  I say to the Lord I dedicate my life to you.  I tell the Lord my life is in your hands.  The Lord knows our hearts and our intents and desires.  No wool is poured over his eyes at all.

Times like this is where the rubber meets the road.  Job lost it all, family, land, livestock, riches; even his health was fading.  And out of all that he said in the scriptures the one thing that keeps me going is when he said "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him" Job 13:15.  Even though his wife turns on him, his friends turn on him; heck he even begins doubting himself.  But he never doubts the Lord.  He may not totally understand why, but He still remained faithful.  He held onto his integrity.  Even though I am sure in private his flesh was fighting him so hard it isn't funny.  I am sure that Job wanted to let his flesh run rampant.  I know I have wanted to.

No matter how much i can feel my flesh wanting to shout out to the heavens, I am reminded of all that God has done for me this year.  To give me another opportunity to come back to him even after all the mess I had done years before; I know he loves me.  To provide for me even when I know good and well I had no means to provide for myself; I know he loves me.  Even though my faith is not what it needs to be, it is definitely stronger now than it was just 6 months ago.  The situation is undesirable and frankly it would normally put someone into a depressive state and relying on pills and such.  But I thank God that my relying on him has kept me from that.  Something in me won't allow me to quit.  I am definitely not that strong; so it has to be his Spirit working in me.  People have taken their own life for a lot less than what I am going through; so who am I to complain?

My pains have cause me to look and pray for others like me.  instead of wallowing in my own self pity I am more concerned for those going through the same thing.  Praying that they keep their strength and faith in the Lord strong.  Because I know if I am struggling with the little bit I am dealing with, then I am sure someone who has a lot less is really going through it.  So please know someone is praying for you; you are not alone.  I may be a minister but I am not immune to pain.  I am not immune to doubt and I am not immune to fears.  My desire to please my Lord is stronger than my doubts.  My lifetime of pain and the reminder that the Lord continues to bring me out, keeps my faith in Christ strong.

I know he will do it.  I have to believe he will do it, because his word says he will.  God does not lie and he shows no partiality.  He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.  So since he has helped those whom had loved him and followed his commandments back then; i have to believe he will help even today.